We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
