So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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