His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
