This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
