I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
