TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
