Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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