how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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