As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
