I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
