I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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