We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
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In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
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You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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