I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
