Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
