I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
