theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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