...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
