They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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