I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
