your parents love me but you hate me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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