we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
