my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
