Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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