You're my little dorito
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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