i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
