My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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