Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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