My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
