dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
