I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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