NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
