I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
