Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
