The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's blow job season.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
