Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
