So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
