when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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