I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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