Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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