I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
