Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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