NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
