you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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