Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
