She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
pray to the hookup gods
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
