Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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