my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
