Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
