nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
