I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my shit smells like andre
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
