I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
