Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
