I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
