i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
