I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
